Hunger Doesn't Stop After Christmas

Excuse me, it's Sunday and I'm going to take a little time to Sermonize.

I don't know about where you live, but here it's cold. Bitterly cold. 

And we have homeless people - many of them families with young children. 

We have several programs for the homeless in our community, both for food and temporary shelter and round about November and December, every time I turn around it seems there is a food or clothing drive for the food pantry and the shelter.

This is a good thing.

But now it's January and the time of year that the eyes of the public tend to stray from such drives. Especially with the crisis of Haiti to take up the media's attention.

Don't get me wrong - I am in no way suggesting that we should not be reaching out to the Haiti earthquake victims in their time of such great need - I am just reminding you that you probably have many many people who need your compassion as well in your own back yard. 

We are regular contributers to our local food pantry. For years, my oldest son used to have  a carnival in our yard for all our friends and neighbors. He started it when he was 5 with the express purpose of donating the proceeds to the pantry. (I think he got the idea when I told him how, in my childhood, we were always having carnivals for MS) Anyway, every year, he and John would build a contraption for the carnival - there was a complicated "sucker push"  (I can't remember how that one worked exactly), a skeeball, a sponge throw (with a face cut out for the willing victim) among others, as well as a variety of games. 

By the time we shelled out the $ for all the prizes and game materials, I think we were usually about $75 in the hole, but that was beside the point. The neighborhood turned out and had a good time and the pride my son took in taking the proceeds to the pantry was immeasurable.

We stopped the carnivals when he was about 14, I think, and took to just sending a check every November and food to all the church and school drives. And we felt we were doing our part.

But something was missing. That engagement  our kids got from doing something themselves was lacking.

So, a couple of weeks ago, while Alex was still back from college, I took all three kids down to the local grocery store, gave them each a set amount and a calculator, and challenged them to see how much food for the pantry they could each buy. To the winner would go a homemade apple pie. (My kids kill for these pies).

It was interesting to see the choices they made - and how much they've learned from me over the years when it comes to stretching a dollar. While the oldest, had the largest number of items by far - 158 - the youngest easily made the most nutritious choices and the middle one probably won the most points for food homeless kids would like most to eat. Because I set the prize on the amount of food, the oldest won - but I may have to rethink my definition of winning for next time and include healthfulness.

I devised a system where, each kid got their own cart and, as they checked their groceries through and they were bagged, I took a sharpie and put their intitials on the bag so we would be able to compare it all later. I also used the grocery receipts. 

My mother, who was visiting, also got into the act and bought 25 can openers to donate. I would never have thought of this, but she works regularly at the pantry in her town and she said they never have enough can openers.

It was a terrific experience. Not only did my kids get into it, but, as we hit the checkout the employees got really into it. The next time I came in shopping, several people came up to me to ask who won :-)

The thing that astonished me as we did this, was the real amount of food we were able to amass for roughly what I would pay for two weeks of my regular grocery budget. The kids dropped off 399 items in over 70 bags. My van was full to overflowing.

So I'm asking you today to take a little time and remember those in your community who need your help. I know that, in our area, the job losses have more than tripled the number of folks who are using our food bank and related services. 

If you have old coats, gloves and mittens, and you live in a cold climate, take a minute to drop those items off at the appropriate collection site. If you can see your way clear, pick up 10 extra items when you buy groceries and set them aside for a monthly drop off to your local food pantry.

And, if you happen to be a cartoonist, find out if your local shelter needs any artwork for their fundraiser. John currently does not sell original strips but he has donated some to charitable organizations.

Hunger knows no holiday - it doesn't disappear after Christmas.

Knitters Laugh

As a knitter, I found this particularly funny. Why didn't I think of this when my kids were small?

The ipad - I WANT ONE!

I do not have an iphone. I refuse to buy one until they drop the whole "you have to use AT&T" thing. It's not that I have anything against AT&T per se, it's that I have this perverse Welsh/Scots/Irish streak in me that goes against the grain. I don't like being told who I can or cannot do business with. Besides, isn't competition at the heart of our entire economic system? When Apple elected to make the iphone exclusive to one carrier they lost little old perverse me.

So instead, last year I bought John an itouch for his birthday. He loves it. It's almost as good as having an iphone - runs all the apps etc. - you just can't call anyone on it. (No big deal - we have perfectly fine cell phones for that.) And it's wifi capabilities are limited because - again, we don't use AT&T. But he didn't need it to be a phone. I got it for him because he was the only family member not to have an ipod and I wanted him to have one. That, and all the other cool things it could do, including all the calendar/organizer/phonebook type stuff he likes to use it for. 

And because all that touch screen technology is just WAY COOL.

I remember watching the demo when Steve Jobs first trotted out the iphone and thinking - "Man, that is the coolest thing I have ever seen. I'ts gonna change everything!"  And I was right.

Well now I've seen the roll out for the ipad and, make no mistake, this is also going to change everything. Anyone who doesn't think this is a game changer for the publishing industry is missing the boat. 

Take a look at the images they are displaying on this thing in their ads. Notice anything? 

Newspapers, people!

They are actively showing this device with newspapers on it. 

This tablet is going to be huge for newspapers, magazines, and I think most especially comic books and all other graphic content that is not currently well served by the kindle. 

I have never warmed up to any of the other ereaders - especially the kindle. Too small a screen, too clunky, too limited. 

One of my favorite inventions of the last few years is the changing orientation screen. My digital camera even has one and I adore it.

So adding the orientation thingy and the touch screen thingy and the big full color screen thingy has definitely gotten my attention. 

Plus, the ipad will be not only an ereader - it will be a movie screen, an ipod, an internet browser, - heck - I'm sure at some point they'll figure out how to have it make my dinner and walk the dog.

Some folks are complaining that it doesn't have a camera and you can't use it to replace a cintiq. I could care less. I don't need it to be those things. That's what my camera and my laptop are for. (Not to mention the fact that every cell phone camera I've ever had was was a piece of #$%)

I always wait until new technology is out and debugged/price slashed for a while before I take the leap.

I don't know about this time.

I think John better hide the checkbook for a while.

John's Art

John has posted some of his non-Edison art over on the lab notes. I'm hoping he'll continue posting these kinds of things and also find time to get back to creating more non-comic art. He has such a gift. If you have comments on his art, please leave them here as the lab notes have no comment function.

Why I Won't Fly

I am currently engaged in a boycott of the airline industry.

There are several reasons for this.

First, the practical.

I have charted the routes and done the math, and for virtually any trip I could take that would require 10 hours driving or less, flying is no longer automatically faster. 

Checking in at the airport at least three hours before one's flight is scheduled to leave is now standard. To this we must add:

45-90 minutes (in my case) to get to the airport, depending on traffic and which airport.

30 minutes average needed to navigate long term parking and get into the terminal.

20-40 minutes the plane will possibly be delayed past it's posted departure before I can board. 

30-120 minutes I can expect to spend sitting on the tarmac waiting for permission to take off. 

30 minutes on the other end I can expect to wait to claim any checked luggage. And goodness knows how long I may have to take if the airline has lost my luggage (which they have managed to do 3 of the last 5 times I flew).

I haven't factored in the duration of the flight and I'm already at five and a half to eight and a half hours.

Now the money:

$100-$450 for a domestic (nonstop) round trip ticket most places in the US within 10 hours driving distance of my home.

$40-$150 plus for travel once I arrive - rental car, cabs, subway (assuming I have places to be other than the hotel). This fee varies greatly, of course,  depending on rental agency, type of car, number of cabs etc.

$25-$50 for checked luggage now on most domestic carriers.

$20-$40 for food and beverages on the plane and in the terminal if you don't pack your own. Even if you pack your own snacks, you're out of luck on drinks once you pass through security and gone are the days when airlines fed you complimentary meals on flights. And good luck not paying $3 for a 12 oz soda that would cost you 45 cents in any grocery store or, at most, $1.25 at a typical non airport fast food joint.

Total: $150-$540 ish

When I plan the same trip by car, I come up with $50-$135 for gas, depending on how far I'm driving, the type of car and the gas mileage it gets and the price of gas in various localities. Add $20 to eat at a fast food spot along the way (or simply stock up the car with cheaper groceries). 

So much for the practical reasons.

Now some personal ones:

Like most people, I am fed to the teeth with the new security restrictions, courtesy of every whacko on the planet who wants to blow me up along with his shoes, underwear, whatever. I'm not blaming the TSA for this - I'm blaming the whackos. It doesn't matter. The upshot is that I have to spend a tremendous amount of time trying to find little bitty bottles of every toiletry article I own, I have to submit to pat downs so intimate I should be married to the TSA agent, and  I have to worry about my electronic items being either stolen by other passengers while on the security belt (I kid you not) or messed up through radiation/manhandling etc..

None of the security stuff is the fault of the airline. I know that. That's not why I'm boycotting them, it's why I hate flying.

Here's why I'm boycotting them. 

They don't like me. 

They don't like you either.

They don't like any of us. 

They see us as cattle to be prodded through their little profit making machine and have lost sight of us as consumers. 

Many of the planes are old and filthy. The staff have been downsized to the point that they are all crabby and tired from working too many shifts. (And dealing with too many disgruntled, irate passengers).

The seats get smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller.

They offer a seemingly good fare, only to carve back their profit margin by nickel and diming us to death over meals, bag fees and the like. 

They pretend the flight is "on time" well past the point that we all know the fog has all the flights grounded until further notice. 

And, willy nilly, they just cancel flights all over the place with no concern over what that will do to our plans.

I'm tired of giving money to an industry that values my customer satisfaction so little.

They think they don't need me. That there will be plenty of other suckers (ahem, customers) to take my place. 

They could be right.

But not if you join me.

Jean's Jazz

I will be appearing Feb 18th at the Racine Theater Guild as a featured performer for the Jean's Jazz concert series. Further details here.

What To Do With Your Old Bluejeans

My oldest son left for college this year. This resulted in our observance of the ritual known as "The Giving Up Of The Room". A ritual observed in households all across America - you oldest children know what I'm talking about. As an oldest child myself, I remember well the months of clearing through crap and the sound of my sister taking possession of my room with whoops of glee.  I don't think the ink was dry on my college acceptance letter before she began hatching her plans for the takeover. This summer, our house was no exception. Son #2 spent months regaling son #1 with his grand visions for his new space.

The part of the ritual I was not familiar with is the role of the mom, or as I came to see myself, "she who must clean up the mess and figure out what to keep in storage, what to send to Goodwill, and what to pitch".

Which brings us to the blue jeans.  Lots of blue jeans. Years of blue jeans.

Blue jeans that were too small to wear anymore as well as too crappy to give to Goodwill. And somehow, there were too many to throw away. Looking at the enormous pile, I felt a surge of guilt at the thought of adding that much bulk to a landfill.

So I started looking around the internet. I knew I remembered hearing about companies making insulation or something out of old blue jeans and, sure enough, I found a lot of sites that claimed to accept old blue jeans for recycling. 

I say "claimed" because every site I found said something to the effect "Don't send us anymore blue jeans - we're full!!!!!"

Which isn't all that surprising if you think about it. Take a look around you the next time you are out in public anywhere. There are a lot of people wearing blue jeans. They're practically a national uniform.

So now what?!

Well, it just so happened, I had a book checked out of the library at that time called "Eco-craft" that had a suggestion for making a rug out of old sweaters. I thought, "Why not a rug out of blue jeans?".

So here I offer you, for anyone who is interested in a useful thing to do with old blue jeans, my journey to a rug. 

This rug is knit using garter stitch (the very simplest knitting stitch) on size 15 needles with a long plastic extension in the middle so you can handle the width.

So, to start, you have to take apart the jeans. I found it best to take off the pockets first. You'll need a good strong seam ripper. 

Next, comes deconstructing the legs. Most jeans have extra thick reinforced double stitched seams everywhere so the best thing I found was to just cut the jeans up and skip trying to undo the seams. This will leave you with a "jean skeleton" that looks like this:

and jean pieces that look like this:

I experimented with a couple different ways of cutting and finally settled on a spiral starting from the outside edge of each piece. This gives the longest possible piece for knitting up later. Don't make the piece too thick (it will be difficult to handle) or too thin (due to the way denim frays, pieces that are too thin will eventually separate and break, making a hole in the rug).

When you've finished cutting, wind it into a ball like this.

Once you have all your jeans cut up and wound into balls, decide how wide you want the rug to be and cast on as many stitches as you need for that width. Then just knit back and forth in garter stitch until the rug is as long as you want it to be. (Or you run out of material :-)).

As you get to the end of each ball of "yarn" you'll need to add the new ball. I found the best method was to sort of overlap about 6-8 inches of the tails (so that you are briefly knitting two strands at once) rather than tying the strips in knots. The knots had a tendency to show and also to make bumps in the rug. Some of them also frayed and fell apart.  Once the rug is finished, you can trim down any of the overlapped bits that are sticking out.  

Good luck - here's to keeping old clothes out of landfills. I think I may try this with other old clothes I don't know what to do with.

How To Lose Weight

So, it's January, swimsuit season is only 5 months away and everyone wants to lose weight. Like most people I have tried a lot of diets over the years with varying degrees of success. But now I have the answer. The diet I am about to lay out for you is guaranteed to promote permanent weight loss.

Everything you will eat on this diet can be grown and harvested locally and sustainably. Free Range, Organic, Cage Free, Vegan, Pesticide Free, you name it.

Before I share this tremendous weight loss secret with you, let me explain how I came to embrace this new lifestyle regimen. 

First, my husband read "Fast Food Nation" (Eric Schlosser) and watched "Supersize Me" (Morgan Spurlock) . This pretty much knocked out all fast food and put high fructose corn syrup on our radar. Next came "The Botony of Desire" (Michael Pollan). Exit potatoes and most other vegetables and fruit - too many pesticides and too little biodiversity. Follow that with the movies "King Corn" (Ian Cheney and Curtis Ellis) and "Food Inc."  (Robert Kenner and Eric Schlosser) and the books "The End Of Oil" (Paul Roberts) and "The Omnivore's Dilemma" (Michael Pollan).  

By the time we finished those, we were off all meat and fish (animal cruelty issues, hormones and antibiotics, ecoli, mercury), couldn't, in good conscience, eat anything that had been transported more than 30 miles (petroleum issues), couldn't eat anything packaged in plastic (again petroleum issues - as well as that giant garbage patch in the ocean), and couldn't eat wheat, soy, or corn (agribusiness abuses and allergies). 

That last one will really get you. Get a list of all the things wheat, corn and soy can be turned into (Ascorbic Acid, Malt Extract, Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein, Mono-Diglyceride to name a few) and then go to the supermarket and read labels. If you can find a single prepackaged product that contains none of these ingredients let me know. I couldn't.

So what are we left with? What miracle food have I discovered that the responsible, educated consumer can eat?

Twigs.

Yep, twigs. 

That's my new diet - "Twigatarian"

Readily available, cheap (free), full of fiber, humane.

And I promise you'll lose plenty of weight. 

DISCLAIMER: The above commentary is for satirical purposes only and should not be construed as a medically sound diet.

All joking aside, I now have enough information about my food choices that I can no longer turn a blind eye to what I eat. I don't like vegetables enough to jump into being a vegetarian (so there's no way on earth I would make it as a vegan) but I may wind up going that route. I am currently not in an economic bracket that allows me to eat only organic, sustainable, local, grass fed etc., etc. But I am going to do my best this year to reward companies with best practices and deny the abusers the benefit of pocketing my hard earned dollar. Of all the books and movies I listed above, "Food Inc." actually gave me some hope that consumers can make a difference if they take the time and energy to do so.

While I really don't condone a diet of twigs, I do suggest you take a minute and check out the websites I linked to - maybe it will make a difference.

My Tribe

I have driven a lot of cars. Since getting my license, I have owned, or leased 18 different vehicles. 

The first, compliments of my parents, was a Chevy Vega liberally covered with duct tape. I would like to state for the record that the duct tape was to cover rust and was not, I repeat not, holding the car together. The Vega came to a quick end when I was the fourth car in a six car chain reaction accident. Not surprisingly, the other vehicles (big honking Buicks and pick up trucks) came away with minor scratches and dents while my poor little Vega bled all its radiator fluid out onto the rain slicked pavement. 

The first car I actually owned outright was a 72 Dodge Polara station wagon. It had a 400 cubic inch, V8 engine, ran on leaded gas, and could truly reach the 120 mph top speed indicated on the speedometer. (Don't ask how I know this.) It was a garage mechanic's dream. I bought it with 92,000 miles on it - drove it to 160,000 and replaced the exhaust system 3 times, the brakes twice, the transmission once, the water pump the alternator and the battery once, and had the radiator plugged I don't know how many times. I don't think I ever had the carburator rebuilt, but I remember frequently getting out to take off the cover to the air filter so that I could jam a ball point pen into the butterfly valve to get the car to start. I finally sold it to a scrap yard when I was afraid the frame was going to break in half if I drove too fast over the railroad tracks. 

Then came a series of used station wagons. (I have to transport harps, remember.) The last was a Ford Taurus wagon with about 60,000 miles on it that actually almost killed me when, at 65 mph, some bolts sheered off and the flywheel broke loose and ricocheted around the engine. I was able to maneuver to the side of the road and walk to a gas station for help but I was really shaken.  It later turned out that those bolts were under a recall. This car would verify the axiom "never buy the first model year". 

At this point, I decided to look into leasing something off the showroom floor. I thought perhaps all my trials and tribulations came from buying used. I needed something reliable and I was also eligible for a tax break on the lease, since the car would be for my business. 

Thus began the parade of Taurus's (Tauri?) and Dodge Caravans. Each of these was nice and I felt much safer but, honestly, I was so glad to turn them in after 36,000 miles. In my book, you should be able to drive a car at least that many miles without much more maintenance than oil and filter changes and the usual weatherizing that comes with midwestern winters. And these cars were needing major repairs by the second year. Probably the most fun was the Caravan which, suddenly - at 10:00 at night - on the Chicago Skyway- driving through Gary, Indiana - would no longer go any faster than 40 miles per hour. Loooooong trip home to Wisconsin -biiiiiiig cell phone bill as I talked to John the whole way in case the van actually broke down altogether.  It turned out to be a faulty speed sensor. So much for the reliability of buying new.

So, as I said before, I have driven a lot of cars. A lot of American cars.  (A total of 14 of them) I mention this because I would like to make it clear that I think we gave the American auto industry plenty of chances to impress us and provide us with vehicles that were within our budget and would last longer than our loan agreement.

In 1995 we bought, for all non-harp related driving, our first Japanese car. A red Civic hatchback that got 43 miles per gallon. We test drove everything in its class - Ford Fiesta, Toyota Tercel, even the Geo Metro. (Remember those?) The Civic won hands down. The power of the engine and the gas mileage coupled with the Consumer Reports findings on reliability were too good to ignore. We not only drove it out from under the five years of payments, we drove it four more years beyond that and would probably be driving it still if an uninsured, distracted driver hadn't plowed into John doing 45 mph on a 25 mph residential street and totaled it. 

With the insurance money for the Honda (another plus - they hold their value really well) we were able to get a used Toyota Celica GT that was oh so fun to drive and had those retractable headlights. That took some getting used to - I felt like I was driving a muppet with big eyebrows when those lights came up out of the hood. But it was cute and had power and handled great and got decent mileage. Then, again we were hit. This time it was me driving and the other driver ran a stop sign and nearly took my front end off. 

This time the insurance money was  a little less so we wound up with a 1990 Toyota Camry wagon. A little bit of rust but ran well and was practical. I was still leasing vehicles but finally decided to bite the bullet, take on the 6 years of payments and buy something in which I could carry the harp and the entire family. So, in 2005, I opted for a Honda Odyssey bringing our Japanese car count to 4 in 14 years. Much better investment for us and a great vehicle.

Which brings us to (choir singing) THE MAZDA 3

This year the  Toyota reached the point that it really shouldn't be driven  anywhere that someone else in the family can't easily go and pick you up. And forget taking it out of town. So we needed something that John could drive further than 20 miles away when I'm hogging the Van for harp jobs. Again, we did tons of research and John test drove everything comparable. 

Until he drove the Mazda 3.

His search was over.

We have never driven a car like this.

 

A sportscar in an economy car's body, it is SO MUCH FUN!  

And it handles like a dream, makes it up our ice covered driveway with no sliding,  gets great gas mileage, and  didn't cost a fortune.

I may never drive any other car again.

For the first time in my life I understand brand loyalty. I find myself looking around at other cars on the road and when I see another Mazda I feel a kinship. I know that I will instantly bond with any and all Mazda owners when I encounter them at cocktail parties, sporting events, high school band concerts - whatever.

I have found my tribe. 

The tribe of the Mazda. 

Pastis in Doonesbury?

I know Zip is a regular character in Doonesbury but today it really struck me how much he looks like Stephan Pastis. Coincidence? I dunno.....

*****Read about  Trudeau and Pastis on the USO tour here.

Christmas Madness

Tis the season, not so much to be jolly but to be massively behind. John and I are in major catch up mode to get strips out so blogging will remain light for the next couple of days :-)

Hope everyone was Merry Merry !! 

Kreative Blogger

Many many thanks to Margaret Shulock for naming the Edison blog (and the whole site in general) for a Kreative Blogger award.

Margaret is one of the Six Chix (whose strip and blog I read regularly) and an incredible lady. You can read about my visit with Margaret this summer here.

Part of the award includes naming 7 blogs I would give a Kreative Blogger award to and linking to them. I'm pretty much sticking with my blogroll (Between Friends, The Mad Blog, Bizarro Blog, Cul de Sac, Pooch Cafe etc.) down at the lower right but I'm adding one and sort of reinstating  one. 

First, is the blog for Fiddlehead Yarns. This is the blog for a yarn store near me and, though it is local and you probably won't be popping in for yarn anytime soon if you don't live around here, the blog is always interesting anyway. And inspirational - you may find yourself having to run down to a yarn store near you to get knitting, crocheting, etc.

Secondly is the wonderful blog for Kieran Meehan who does the King Features strip Pros and Cons as well as single panel cartoons and fabulous paintings. I had to take Kieran's blog off my blogroll because somehow it would never load right or update but I read it regularly and you should really check it out. 

Also I am supposed to list 7 things people don't know about me. This is tough because thanks to blogging and the internet I think everyone pretty much knows everything about everybody these days - we are the paparazzi now - but here goes:

I am an addicted knitter since 1980 (when you couldn't get any decent yarn - only acrylic - man, how times have changed.)

Even though I play classical music for a living, my radio is always tuned to rock or NPR.

A piece of English Toffee (my favorite candy) once cost me $1500 when it pulled off a dental crown which was subsequently lost.

I was a classically trained ballet/modern/jazz dancer for 12 years.

When my mother advised me to take French in High School (because every musician should) I stubbornly took Latin instead. (This was to backfire on me mightily when I went to France to study harp knowing only "Ballet French" - honestly, you can only get so far knowing things like "Fondue means to melt" and "Tondue means to stretch")

I am allergic to fish.

I cannot abide beets.

Ultraman Flap

OK so the emails are coming in. We know, we know, we know about Ultraman. We knew it would be a problem before the strip ran. The company that readies Edison strips for publication reminded us about the name and it was decided to change it to "Captain Amalgam". That change was to be effected by the production company and it obviously did not happen. To Ultraman fans everywhere we apologize.

Produce Drawer of Death or "I Need a New Fridge"

So it's the holiday season and that means guests. 

And that means cleaning. 

Not just cleaning. 

CLEANING. 

As in everything.

Everything as in all three bathrooms - including the medicine cabinets (you know people open your medicine cabinets), all the mold and mildew in the shower (you know they look at that too - I don't know why, but they do), the toilets (including under the lid - a place the boys in my life should understand some people will see), behind the toilets and the pedestal sinks (ugh!.. my very least favorite - it's where all the dog hair not only gathers but somehow congeals), and the ritual placing of the fake towels (you know the ones - the ones no one in the family ever uses so they'll look nice for company - and the "company" thinks they are also too nice to use and so they sneakily wipe their hands on the shower curtain).

Everything as in moving all the furniture when you vacuum because someone might actually change the position of something and discover what's lurking under there much of the year.

Everything as in all the doors and door frames and light switches and kitchen cabinet knobs that apparently have not been cleaned since last Christmas. It's amazing how much grime builds up in these places without me noticing it. When I suddenly become aware of it about, oh.. Dec 6th, I am stunned at its obviousness and our slovenliness. For a brief moment, I worry that this grime will have been obvious to any and all other guests we may have had throughout the course of the year. Then, like the blissful forgetfulness that follows labor pains, I put it out of my mind until next December.

Everything as in the stovetop (never, I repeat never get a black enamel rangetop - shows every last water spot and grease speck) and the oven door and the dishwasher door (goddamned stainless steel). 

And, finally.... everything as in the inside of the fridge. Yes the inside of the fridge. Because not only is this the time of year for many guests, it's the time of year for many guests to help you. They will be in the kitchen helping get food on the table and fetching things in and out of the fridge for you and JUDGING YOU.

Which brings me to why I need a new fridge. Because not only is my fridge of an unknown age (it came with the house 12 years ago and it was probably at least 15 years old then), my fridge is frightening. Frightening because it makes a variety of unsettling noises  - hisses and pops and growls and grumblings - it's like something out of the Shining. When I open the door, I expect to hear "Redrum!" or else see those animal things from the fridge in Ghostbuters. And frightening because of all the death it contains. Dead soup, dead bowls of spagetti, dead half eaten yogurts, dead jars of crystalized jam, dead chinese food, and dead produce. 

Now the produce is in a different category of death. Most of the dead items in my fridge consist of optimistically placed leftovers. (You'd think after 24 years John and I would know which types of leftovers will actually get eaten and which ones are doomed to become a ritualistic sacrifice to the refrigerator gods. Yet we continue to put all supper leftovers in there blithely assuming they'll turn into lunches.) These I at least have no problem eventually throwing away - they never taste as good as when they were new anyway and they grow fascinating varieties of mold. But the produce represents a bigger failure. The produce represents a quest for healthy eating. Salads never made, vegetables never served for dinner, oranges that, while they looked juicy at the store, have turned out to be little rind covered balls of sawdust.

I try, I really do. Every trip to the grocery store I buy all these healthy fresh foods with every intention of consuming every bit of them. So where does it all break down? Why are these foods not getting eaten? It's not that we are junk food junkies - we love to cook and these  are foods we actually like to eat. 

No, the fault lies with my fridge and the produce drawer of death. My theory is that it is all the fault of the design of my "freezer on top - fridge on the bottom" refrigerator. First of all there are two produce drawers - one that says "moist cold" and one that says "vegetables and fruit" and the fact that I cannot for the life of me figure out what is supposed to go into the "moist cold" one if it isn't vegetables and fruit. Second is the fact that the drawers are tinted like sunglasses and you cannot see what is in them without opening them. This, of course, means that, unless you open them constantly, stuff is pretty sure to be going bad in there. Thirdly, and here is where we get to the new fridge part, the produce drawers are all the way at the bottom of the fridge. I practically have to get down on my hands and knees to even get access to them. Talk about out of sight out of mind. So what I need is... drumroll please... one of those new refrigerators that has the freezer on the bottom and the fridge on the top with the lovely french doors and the produce drawers right smack dab at eye level. With clear plastic that I can see through to boot. 

I am absolutely, stupendously sure that this will solve all of my fridge death problems and we will eat healthy evermore. And, I won't have to clean the fridge this year for company :-)

Are you listening, John?

Kudos

This one really got me today. It is so true.

When Snark is Hilarious

I found this the other day and I have to say I laughed out loud for nearly a minute. 

http://thecomicssection.blogspot.com/2009/12/brilliant-mind-of-edison-lee-for-one.html

Ice Scrapers I have Made

Let me start by saying that I live in the Northern Midwest. Not only that, I have lived my entire life in the Northern Midwest. Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Chicago, Wisconsin. This means that I have experienced Winter. And I really mean Winter. 

So, round about December, there is really no excuse for A) being unable to assemble  a matching pair of thermal gloves or mittens B) not knowing where anyone's snow pants are C) not knowing where any boots are and - most importantly - D) not being able to find a single ice scraper.

The explanation I offer for  A is that my children think all gloves and mittens are there for the taking. So they take them. And they never bring them back. No matter who they might actually have belonged to. This has led me to view the school lost and found as a sort of glove and mitten exchange where I can - for a brief moment in time - borrow a pair of mittens to replace the ones my child has donated - for a brief moment in time - to your child.

The explanation I offer for B and C is that I carefully put these items away into storage - usually in about July. July because, in Wisconsin you might still need your boots and snow pants in May, and by June - when you are just about sure you don't need them anymore - you still might. And by July you are tired of kicking the boots every time you enter the back door. So I put them away - each year selecting a new foolproof "I can't possibly forget where I put them this time" location. 

By August I have forgotton where that is. By September I don't care. By October I know I should care but still don't. In November the temperature will be 65 and sunny on Tuesday and, without warning, a blizzard will descend on Wednesday - followed within 36 hours by subzero temperatures. (This year Snow took a pass on November and sucker punched us this week with over 17 inches falling in Madison on Tuesday. We were told not to expect this sort of thing this year as we are supposed to be having a balmy "el nino" winter.)

Which brings me to D  - Ice Scrapers. Unlike the first three, ice scrapers fall into a completely different category. Rather than put them in with seasonal items we must acknowledge that they are really in the ball point pen/comb/nail clippers/brush/scissors category. If you are wondering what all these things and ice scrapers could possible have in common, I'll fill you in. These are items that - no matter how many of them you may own or how many you may buy to have on hand - you will never ever be able to actually find one when you need it. 

Douglas Adams had an interesting theory on the subject - at least when it came to ball point pens (which he calls "biros", both dating himself and pegging himself as a Brit). He opined that there was a  planet composed entirely of ball point pens on vacation and that, whenever they felt like it, they simply slipped through an interdimensional corridor and sloped off to their alternate planetary home for a little R & R, reappearing when it would be the most convenient to them and the least convenient to you. I agree with this theory wholeheartedly. I just think Adams didn't take the theory far enough. It definitely includes at least all the items I mentioned above and it most definitely includes ice scrapers.

Which is why, every winter, it is entirely not my fault that I don't have any.

Which brings me to what I use instead. To date I have tried: 

Books (whatever is in the car trying to get back to the library - obviously hardcovers work better than paperbacks) 

Credit Cards (relatively effective as ice scrapers, no longer very effective as credit cards afterward) 

Spatulas (really ineffective - the plastic ones don't have enough of an edge and the metal ones scratch the windshield)

 

CD cases (very effective and my scraper of choice yesterday - I would however, recommend removing the CD first as snow gets inside the case) 

Tupperware Lids (reasonably effective unless they are circular) 

My Shoe (utterly useless - I was really desperate), and finally 

Repeatedly pushing the button that puts de-icing liquid on the windshield and trying to sort of melt it off through an anti-freeze windshield wiper combo while cranking up the defroster inside the car. This last takes forever because the car takes so long to heat up. It also pretty much shreds the wiper blades.

So, tomorrow I'm off to buy approximately 25 ice scrapers in hopes that one or two of them will be handy. I'm sure they will all have disappeared by Christmas.

Mother Goosed

John is part of an exciting book project titled "Mother Goosed - Twisted Rhymes For Modern Times. This is the first book to be published by the new non-profit Southport Publishing and launches this Saturday November 14th. You can find more details and all things "Mother Goosed" related at the official Mother Goosed Blog. Here also is a calendar of events for the launch of the book. And here is the interview John and his colleagues Chet Griffith and John Bloner did with the local NPR station this morning.

The above cover art is the work of Dianne Levesque.

What happened to the Striptoonist?

Does anyone know what happened to the Striptoonist? I was really enjoying this site - it was so nice to see someone posting their favorites rather than their "unfavorites". I hope it comes back - otherwise it perpetuates the "the internet is only about snark" argument.

Occasionally I Write Stuff

Comics news has been slow lately so I'm posting some of my "non comic strip" writing. I'm not sure if I'll ever illustrate this poem or push to publish it formally anytime soon, but I have taken the trouble to copyright it. 

Socks

It wasn't a terribly special sock.

It wasn't striped or brightly colored. 

It wasn't hand knit, nor was it made of fine or exotic materials.

Not alpaca wool, not silk, not carefully harvested sustainably produced bamboo fiber.

It wasn't a fashionable sock - inviting all to admire the sophistication of the ankle it adorned.

It wasn't a high tech sock - wicking away sweat and other nasty fluids in an effort to maintain a perfect and harmonious foot hygene.

No - it wasn't a terribly special sock.

But it was an important sock.

In fact the most important kind of sock.

The sock that is... missing.

That was all, it was missing.

But somehow the fact that it was missing was everything. 

The fact that it was missing was the tipping point.

She knew that, if she found it, all harmony would restore to the cosmos.

Her corner of it anyway.

Her children would become bright, shiny, and successful - winning Nobel prizes, changing the world. They would be the sort of organized capable people who did great things. And, most importantly, they would pass this organization gene on to the next generation of bright and shiny grandchildren.

And the glory would be hers.

Because she was the root.

The genesis of all the bright, shiny capableness that was to come.

She had taught them everything.

But...

It was missing.

And if it remained missing - well, the result was chaos.

The children would drop out of school.

They would never earn more than minimum wage.

Hell, they might even end up in prison.

And then, worst of all, they would pass on that hopeless, helpless, unorganized, incapable genetic material until the end of time.

Because she was the mother.

And they always blame the mother.

Copyright © 2008 by Anne Morse-Hambrock, all rights reserved.